Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Mom Confessions....

I have some things to confess. For one thing I've been doing something "dangerous." For another I don't seem to feel the way I'm supposed to.

I'll just say it...my baby sleeps on her tummy. I am pretty settled about this now. But at first it was hard, heart wrenching actually. There I was a hormonal, extremely sleep deprived mommy of a 12 day old. I had a problem. My little lamb would not sleep on her back. This was new to me. Babydoll would sleep anytime, anyway, anywhere - but not little lamb. I was exhausted, I couldn't hold her anymore, I felt like I was going to drop her. At midnight, I knew I had a decision to make. I cried, I prayed, and I realized what I had to do. I had tried putting lamb on her tummy for naps, with close supervision. She slept so peacefully then. But now it was nighttime. I would be asleep and not in control. I was petrified. I feel so bad for those who lost a baby to SIDS. I can't imagine the pain. But as I thought about it, I realized that nearly everyone over the age of 30 slept on their tummies. As I prayed God spoke to me. I was living in fear. God would take care of my baby. And then I laughed, what fear was paralyzing me, a fear of caring for my baby the way my mom cared for me, and my grandma cared for her. So little lamb sleeps peacefully now, curled up on her tummy. When I told people I put her on her tummy I got a surprise. Many friends admitted that they too had a little one who had to sleep on her tummy. Many had been afraid to admit such a "horrible" thing. While it was a huge relief to find out I was not alone, it made me a little sad. Sad that fear kept us from being open and honest about it.

So I have another confession. This one I've only just started to share... I don't enjoy breastfeeding. And let me clarify, I don't have difficulty breastfeeding, I just don't enjoy it. As the lactation consultant told me I was "born to breastfeed." The actual mechanics of it are easy. But on a feeling level it is just a task, not much different than changing diapers. I can't relate to those who savor nursing as a bonding time. My baby just seems to be staring at my armpit. With babydoll, a champion nurser, I really didn't have much choice anyway. She would rather wait seven hours to nurse than take a bottle. And she was such an easy baby the rest of the time, it didn't matter much. But little lamb is different. She is a good nurser, but gassy so I have lots of dietary restrictions. And she loves bottles. I actually gave her one, of breast milk, the other day. It was a precious time. I loved looking into her eyes as she ate, and enjoyed eating. If If I wasn't so thrifty (read "cheap") She would have become a bottle baby right then and there. But instead I keep plugging away...But I wonder if there aren't other moms out there who feel like me. I don't want to discourage people from nursing. But I do want to confess, because maybe I am not alone in my lack of enthusiasm for nursing. Maybe I don't need to feel guilty...maybe someone else doesn't need to feel guilty either...

3 comments:

Erica said...

Well with Natalie I didn't enjoy it at all. So I pumped everytime and fed her through a bottle. Caleb on the other hand is like babydoll where he will starve before taking a bottle.

Heidi said...

I'm so with you! I remember the LONELY nights up for an hour staring at the clock waiting for Elin to finish. I remember how freeing it was to start her on formula during the day so that I could be back at work. Funny, once I had my days back, I didn't mind the early morning and last evening feeding nearly so much. Hang in there Deb!

Brooke said...

I love your transparency!! I feel the very same way, LOL. I've got a belly sleeper and I'm not a lover of the bf'ing either, and often feel guilt that I'm not enamored with it like others seem to be!