I'm sitting in my green chair with a green shirt on. Guess I'm making the most of this Earth Day thing. Actually, it is just a coincidence. The green shirt was at the top of the laundry pile, and the chair - well forest green is a frequent theme in our decor. But coincidence seems to be the norm for me when it comes to environmentalism. I am an "accidental" environmentalist.
I came to this conclusion when watching Oprah a few months ago. My sister-in-law and I stumbled across the "going green" show and thought we would check out the tips they offered. We spent most of the hour laughing. What was presented as "changes to live more green" seemed like normal common sense to us. Hmmm... only run the dishwasher/clothes washer when they're full, clean the lint screen on the dryer, avoid single use water bottles, recycle, turn your AC up to 75 degrees (we keep it at 80 anyway), donate old clothes instead of throwing them in the trash... Ummm... don't most people do this stuff anyway? The scary thing is I have come to understand that many people don't.
I have never considered myself an environmentalist. I actually find the hypocr- errr... irony of the environmental movement irritating. While on one channel a famous face is recommending we limit our toilet paper use, on another channel the same person is the spokesman for Clairol hair color. I imagine that box of hair dye, cardboard w/ paper instructions, plastic bottles etc... uses more resources and causes more pollution than my extra square or two of t.p. Then there are the "heinous" plastic grocery bags. I actually heard a guy on the Today Show lamenting that they were still legal! But the "go green" picture of a filled cloth grocery bag I say the other day, had a 4 pack of individual plastic pudding cups sitting on the top. Seems to me those are a lot more wasteful than my thin reusable, easy to recycle plastic grocery bag. Guess they should be illegal too? The list could go on and on, the rock star standing on the stage with big spotlights telling me I shouldn't have my incandescent bulb in my desk lamp, the politician with the huge multimillion dollar home complaining because our pick-up truck isn't energy efficient enough.
I guess I understand these people a little better though, now that I've seen how devoid of common sense so many Americans are.
But, it all comes down to stewardship. I have never been motivated by the panicked cries of "We're killing the planet!" I believe God is in control. I know that our sinned marred earth will definitely be destroyed one day, and has been slowly dying since the fall of man. However God has given us the things of this earth. And we are to be good stewards of the resources He has provided. Stewardship means using the resources the best way for the most important priority, people. Balancing this stewardship is tricky, and requires discernment. In our vast imperfectness we make a lot of wrong decisions. Pesticides for example can pollute our air and water, potentially making people sick. However pesticides also expand the food supply and control insects, potentially saving millions from starvation and deadly diseases like malaria. Unfortunately on the bandwagon of global warming hysteria and "green" marketing campaigns, wise stewardship decisions aren't the norm.
Like all modern problems the answer to the environmental issues of today is following the Bible. People are the only eternal thing on this earth so they are the most important. When God created our world He said it was good, and He expects us to use the resources for His purposes. He knows each sparrow that falls. Proverbs teaches us to not be lazy and wasteful. Jesus teaches us in the gospels about using what God has given us for His glory. The Psalms praise the wonders of God's creation. Genesis gives us a picture of God's perfect purposes for our planet.
So, on Earth Day, let us remember that it is really God's Day not the earth's. We shouldn't worship our planet but should look around us and figure out how to better use the earth's resources to serve God. I can see ways I can do better. But, I guess it is not really an accident that I have made some good environmental choices. Because, it is not an outcome of being an environmentalist, it is an intentional attempt to be a good steward for God.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Its my Birthday...and I'll smile if I want to!
I remember seeing a few thirtysomething reruns as a teenager. They seemed older than I am... But I have definitely learned from my patients, whose average age is eightysomething, that age is what you make of it. So thirtysomething is just fine, and I hope I enjoy eightysomething someday too.
April 14th has historical significance in the U.S., the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Of course depending on your opinion that may or may not be outdone by the international significance, as the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Yes those "on this day in history" birthday cards are a bit depressing for us four-fourteeners. But my philosophy is that my birth certainly improved the date a lot.
My birthday is also bad timing in our household. There isn't any time for hoopla or fancy meals around here the day before tax season ends. In fact there is barely time to say hello, and how was your day just isn't a very good opener until after tomorrow. So babygirl and I went to dinner at my parents house. I figure they are responsible for the existence and scheduling of my birthday anyway. And further celebration will be postponed until later in the week when we can celebrate both of our birthdays together. But, I never get the free dessert anymore.
I have always loved opening presents and having birthday cake. Have I mentioned my favorite food is frosting? For the past several years my birthday has just come and gone, with modest recognition. I don't worry much about people actually forgetting it. I always talk about my coming birthday several days ahead. I figure if people forget your birthday, anniversary etc... it is your own fault. But wrapped surprises are few and far between, I guess when your a grown-up it is easier to just give you money. And I rarely get to blow out candles on the actual day. Although, usually a birthday cake for one or both of us shows up sometime during the week. But with tax season, and a shared birthday week, it just isn't "my special day" that much anymore.
But the timing is good for reflection. After tomorrow life changes. We have brief slowdown of the pace of life. A brief window between tax season and planting season to breathe. The world around us is even marking it. The grass is greening. The trees are budding. The sky was such a beautiful blue today. I have time to count blessings and make a plan to enjoy them. This is the first year I got to spend the morning of my birthday, with my child giggling in my arms. I can't imagine a greater blessing.
So even though there was no party, no presents, no cake, there is smiling. God has given me another year. A most blessed and wonderful year has passed. One filled with brightness and blessings is ahead.
A special happy birthday goes out to Jack, Julie, and Laura, others who have made an excellent contribution to improving this day in history. And happy birthday a few days late to Stephen, and a few days early to my beloved taxman. Hope your days are blessed beyond your imagination!
And don't worry, somehow this week I will get a hold of a cake w/ butter cream frosting ;)
April 14th has historical significance in the U.S., the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Of course depending on your opinion that may or may not be outdone by the international significance, as the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Yes those "on this day in history" birthday cards are a bit depressing for us four-fourteeners. But my philosophy is that my birth certainly improved the date a lot.
My birthday is also bad timing in our household. There isn't any time for hoopla or fancy meals around here the day before tax season ends. In fact there is barely time to say hello, and how was your day just isn't a very good opener until after tomorrow. So babygirl and I went to dinner at my parents house. I figure they are responsible for the existence and scheduling of my birthday anyway. And further celebration will be postponed until later in the week when we can celebrate both of our birthdays together. But, I never get the free dessert anymore.
I have always loved opening presents and having birthday cake. Have I mentioned my favorite food is frosting? For the past several years my birthday has just come and gone, with modest recognition. I don't worry much about people actually forgetting it. I always talk about my coming birthday several days ahead. I figure if people forget your birthday, anniversary etc... it is your own fault. But wrapped surprises are few and far between, I guess when your a grown-up it is easier to just give you money. And I rarely get to blow out candles on the actual day. Although, usually a birthday cake for one or both of us shows up sometime during the week. But with tax season, and a shared birthday week, it just isn't "my special day" that much anymore.
But the timing is good for reflection. After tomorrow life changes. We have brief slowdown of the pace of life. A brief window between tax season and planting season to breathe. The world around us is even marking it. The grass is greening. The trees are budding. The sky was such a beautiful blue today. I have time to count blessings and make a plan to enjoy them. This is the first year I got to spend the morning of my birthday, with my child giggling in my arms. I can't imagine a greater blessing.
So even though there was no party, no presents, no cake, there is smiling. God has given me another year. A most blessed and wonderful year has passed. One filled with brightness and blessings is ahead.
A special happy birthday goes out to Jack, Julie, and Laura, others who have made an excellent contribution to improving this day in history. And happy birthday a few days late to Stephen, and a few days early to my beloved taxman. Hope your days are blessed beyond your imagination!
And don't worry, somehow this week I will get a hold of a cake w/ butter cream frosting ;)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Blessings of Low Expectations
OK I really love to read. Anything and everything. I even read the entire cracker box. So when I stopped by the library the other day and found a pile of parenting magazines free for the taking I was delighted. I love to read magazines. I love books. But they suck me in and I have a hard time putting them down. I only like to read good books because they take my time and energy. Magazines on the other hand are quick, easy to drop and pick back up. Also I can tolerate a page or two of someone's different viewpoint even if I disagree, its a learning experience.
Anyway, back to the parenting magazines. Is it just me, or are we just a little bit too caught up in our own problems these days? Are we much to expectant of a life of comfort, ease, and perfection? It just seemed like article after article, magazine after magazine was devoted to the trials and travail of motherhood. Of course interspersed was the latest toys, gear, and gadgets, marketed to make your life easier or your child the next prodigy. And yes there were a few articles with helpful information about feeding and babycare, but even those often had references to diffusing mommy guilt or the general frustration of life as a mom.
I just want to say ENOUGH ALREADY!!! When did hardwork and difficulty become an anomaly in life?!! When did we come up with the idea that doing something so important should be easy?!!!
The church group I met with in college had a fascinating old fashioned hymnbook. At first I was surprised by the tone of the songs. I was used to praise choruses about God's goodness and our delight. These songs however often spoke of our sin, our brokenness, the total impossibility of happiness and success without the great and generous mercy of God. At first they seemed odd and sad. But then I began to discover that they were truth. They spoke too of the troubles of this world, they are everpresent and unavoidable. Only when we leave this world will we find perfection, only in God's presence.
I realize I was reading secular magazines. And sadly they don't even acknowledge God's existence. But I see Christians sucked in to the same mindset. If we just can figure out the right combination to make everything easy. The right psychology, the right invention, the right words, the right food, it goes on and on. The more we chase making things perfect the farther we seem to get away from it. Or maybe the more we despair about not achieving it.
Being a mom is a lot of work. So is not being a mom, I've been there too. Being alive in this world means facing difficulty, hardwork, fatigue, frustration, and confusion. That is what we should expect out of life on earth. Instead of fighting it, instead of striving for perfection here, why not embrace the imperfect. There are great blessing we receive even in this world. They are made all the more amazing and sweet when we have to work for them and yet realize we still don't deserve them. Of course we will fail in moments of pain and panic. But can we remember in the between times that pain, panic, and failure are to be expected this side of heaven.
Guess that was why I kept getting s0 frustrated with those magazines. Month after month trying to solve the same problems. Seeking success and happiness with the right combination of ideas and methods. OK, Maybe I shouldn't have read fifteen of them in one week. But then maybe I wouldn't have noticed the pattern I so easily get sucked into.
When I started writing I was thinking of how beneficial it was to have low expectations of this world. But I realized it is really having high expectations, high expectations of the next world. I'm reminded of this quote from C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world"
Anyway, back to the parenting magazines. Is it just me, or are we just a little bit too caught up in our own problems these days? Are we much to expectant of a life of comfort, ease, and perfection? It just seemed like article after article, magazine after magazine was devoted to the trials and travail of motherhood. Of course interspersed was the latest toys, gear, and gadgets, marketed to make your life easier or your child the next prodigy. And yes there were a few articles with helpful information about feeding and babycare, but even those often had references to diffusing mommy guilt or the general frustration of life as a mom.
I just want to say ENOUGH ALREADY!!! When did hardwork and difficulty become an anomaly in life?!! When did we come up with the idea that doing something so important should be easy?!!!
The church group I met with in college had a fascinating old fashioned hymnbook. At first I was surprised by the tone of the songs. I was used to praise choruses about God's goodness and our delight. These songs however often spoke of our sin, our brokenness, the total impossibility of happiness and success without the great and generous mercy of God. At first they seemed odd and sad. But then I began to discover that they were truth. They spoke too of the troubles of this world, they are everpresent and unavoidable. Only when we leave this world will we find perfection, only in God's presence.
I realize I was reading secular magazines. And sadly they don't even acknowledge God's existence. But I see Christians sucked in to the same mindset. If we just can figure out the right combination to make everything easy. The right psychology, the right invention, the right words, the right food, it goes on and on. The more we chase making things perfect the farther we seem to get away from it. Or maybe the more we despair about not achieving it.
Being a mom is a lot of work. So is not being a mom, I've been there too. Being alive in this world means facing difficulty, hardwork, fatigue, frustration, and confusion. That is what we should expect out of life on earth. Instead of fighting it, instead of striving for perfection here, why not embrace the imperfect. There are great blessing we receive even in this world. They are made all the more amazing and sweet when we have to work for them and yet realize we still don't deserve them. Of course we will fail in moments of pain and panic. But can we remember in the between times that pain, panic, and failure are to be expected this side of heaven.
Guess that was why I kept getting s0 frustrated with those magazines. Month after month trying to solve the same problems. Seeking success and happiness with the right combination of ideas and methods. OK, Maybe I shouldn't have read fifteen of them in one week. But then maybe I wouldn't have noticed the pattern I so easily get sucked into.
When I started writing I was thinking of how beneficial it was to have low expectations of this world. But I realized it is really having high expectations, high expectations of the next world. I'm reminded of this quote from C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world"
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Since I'm up...
Well, since I'm up at 1am, I might as well blog a little. Sorry for the typos in advance, as I am typing one handed, without my glasses at 1 am.
So why one handed? I'm holding a half awake baby in my left arm.
Why sans glasses? I left those in my bedroom, there is a "taxman" trying to sleep in there. And you just don't wake a sleeping taxman at 1 am in the month of March if you can possibly avoid it.
Why 1 am? I think it may be because I had caffeine. No, I didn't have caffeine just before bed so I'm wide awake. I had some caffeine about 12 hours ago, its effects on my synapses have long worn off, so the bed looks wonderful. But for some reason when I put more than 25 mg of caffeine in my body it turns poor babygirl into a screaming gassy insomniac.
I just wanted a little extra energy for the cleaning spree I did today. I figured her digestive tract has matured, surely she could tolerate a little. She always sleeps through the night. (This said in a pitiful whiney voice) Will I ever learn.
Normally I'm a cry it out momma. I am rarely holding my child at 1 am. But I have chosen not to be a scream it out writhing in pain momma. Especially as I feel the guilt of inflicting it on my poor child. She seems to do better if I hold her upright, except that she is burping and passing gas like a bunch of Jr Hi boys on a campout.
Ahhhhhhh... finally she is asleep. Time for both of us to go back to bed. Maybe she last longer than 45 minutes this time. (This is the fourth time she has been up) Funny 20 minutes ago it was torturous, watching her discomfort, listening to her scream. Now its a rare treat, her little face snuggled to my chest, kissing her fuzzy little head. What is more precious than a sleeping baby? Part of me could sit here for hours studying her precious face and hands. But another part of me just yawned. And tomorrow this snuggly little one will want to play and eat and have her diaper changed. She needs a momma to be able to be responsible to care for her and be awake.... without any caffeine!
So why one handed? I'm holding a half awake baby in my left arm.
Why sans glasses? I left those in my bedroom, there is a "taxman" trying to sleep in there. And you just don't wake a sleeping taxman at 1 am in the month of March if you can possibly avoid it.
Why 1 am? I think it may be because I had caffeine. No, I didn't have caffeine just before bed so I'm wide awake. I had some caffeine about 12 hours ago, its effects on my synapses have long worn off, so the bed looks wonderful. But for some reason when I put more than 25 mg of caffeine in my body it turns poor babygirl into a screaming gassy insomniac.
I just wanted a little extra energy for the cleaning spree I did today. I figured her digestive tract has matured, surely she could tolerate a little. She always sleeps through the night. (This said in a pitiful whiney voice) Will I ever learn.
Normally I'm a cry it out momma. I am rarely holding my child at 1 am. But I have chosen not to be a scream it out writhing in pain momma. Especially as I feel the guilt of inflicting it on my poor child. She seems to do better if I hold her upright, except that she is burping and passing gas like a bunch of Jr Hi boys on a campout.
Ahhhhhhh... finally she is asleep. Time for both of us to go back to bed. Maybe she last longer than 45 minutes this time. (This is the fourth time she has been up) Funny 20 minutes ago it was torturous, watching her discomfort, listening to her scream. Now its a rare treat, her little face snuggled to my chest, kissing her fuzzy little head. What is more precious than a sleeping baby? Part of me could sit here for hours studying her precious face and hands. But another part of me just yawned. And tomorrow this snuggly little one will want to play and eat and have her diaper changed. She needs a momma to be able to be responsible to care for her and be awake.... without any caffeine!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Cloth diapers, and organic ketchup...
...no, not together. The organic ketchup is in my fridge. The cloth diapers are on babygirl's bottom. But it is somewhat of a marvel to me that both are in my home at all.
I have never considered myself an environmentalist, a hippie, or particularly "crunchy" (a term I have just recently found). I have always considered myself to be a practical, common sense, indpendent type. It never really occurred to me before that the same result can come from two different points of view.
A few years ago my brother and sister-in-law announced they were eating organic. We love them so we humored them. They are kind considerate people, so they aren't pushy about it when they visit. And they live a few hundred miles away so we don't eat together too often anyway. But, living in the middle of corn and soybean country, saying "organic" often includes an eyeroll or snicker. Well, now organic has entered my cupboard and refridgerator. And yes I do occasionally snicker and roll my eyes at myself. To be honest I don't really care that it is "organic." I am really just trying to avoid all the high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils that are in prepared foods. And although I've gone natural and homemade for many things, I really haven't had the opportunity to make my own ketchup or barbeque sauce. So organic ketchup and BBQ sauce it is. And when the price is congruent, I've started to "go organic" on other things too, guess a few less pesticides isn't a bad thing.
Funny thing is, when my sister-in-law was visiting I began to explain my new strategy to cut the junk out of our food. Her reply, "That's why we started eating organic. Back then you couldn't find hardly anything natural unless it was organic." So I will make it official, Chrissy you were way ahead, I beg forgiveness for every rotating iris, and covered mouth chuckle. It is amazing what you learn when you adjust your point of view.
So that brings me to babygirl's bottom. Which I must say looks so much cuter in her colorful Thirsties diaper covers and Bumgenius 3.o's. I certainly don't miss the orange and green Whinnie the Pooh cartoons. But, ummm... I didn't choose cloth for all the great "crunchy" feel good reasons. Sure it is nice to have less garbage, to have more natural materials against her skin. But mostly it is a great money saver and I have honestly found it to be more convenient. However, I am quickly becoming a cloth diaper advocate. They are really fun, really easy, and even less smelly than disposables. But, I laugh as I wonder how I would have reacted to myself a few years ago. I am sure that as I listened to the wonders of cloth, I would have been rolling my eyes and snickering about that too. It is amazing how different things sound with a change in point of view.
Ten years ago, as new bride, I would have not just snickered but laughed heartily at the suggestion of organic ketchup and cloth diapers being in my home. I think me at 23 would think me at 33 was a little off her rocker. I guess I never expected to really grow and change as much as I have. And, its not just in my point of view about the "crunchy" things. I hope me at 23 would have humored me and loved me anyway, because she might just have learned what an adjusted point of view could do. Actually, I guess she did. And maybe I'll stop rolling my eyes so much, because well... who knows what I'll be like at 43 =)
I have never considered myself an environmentalist, a hippie, or particularly "crunchy" (a term I have just recently found). I have always considered myself to be a practical, common sense, indpendent type. It never really occurred to me before that the same result can come from two different points of view.
A few years ago my brother and sister-in-law announced they were eating organic. We love them so we humored them. They are kind considerate people, so they aren't pushy about it when they visit. And they live a few hundred miles away so we don't eat together too often anyway. But, living in the middle of corn and soybean country, saying "organic" often includes an eyeroll or snicker. Well, now organic has entered my cupboard and refridgerator. And yes I do occasionally snicker and roll my eyes at myself. To be honest I don't really care that it is "organic." I am really just trying to avoid all the high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils that are in prepared foods. And although I've gone natural and homemade for many things, I really haven't had the opportunity to make my own ketchup or barbeque sauce. So organic ketchup and BBQ sauce it is. And when the price is congruent, I've started to "go organic" on other things too, guess a few less pesticides isn't a bad thing.
Funny thing is, when my sister-in-law was visiting I began to explain my new strategy to cut the junk out of our food. Her reply, "That's why we started eating organic. Back then you couldn't find hardly anything natural unless it was organic." So I will make it official, Chrissy you were way ahead, I beg forgiveness for every rotating iris, and covered mouth chuckle. It is amazing what you learn when you adjust your point of view.
So that brings me to babygirl's bottom. Which I must say looks so much cuter in her colorful Thirsties diaper covers and Bumgenius 3.o's. I certainly don't miss the orange and green Whinnie the Pooh cartoons. But, ummm... I didn't choose cloth for all the great "crunchy" feel good reasons. Sure it is nice to have less garbage, to have more natural materials against her skin. But mostly it is a great money saver and I have honestly found it to be more convenient. However, I am quickly becoming a cloth diaper advocate. They are really fun, really easy, and even less smelly than disposables. But, I laugh as I wonder how I would have reacted to myself a few years ago. I am sure that as I listened to the wonders of cloth, I would have been rolling my eyes and snickering about that too. It is amazing how different things sound with a change in point of view.
Ten years ago, as new bride, I would have not just snickered but laughed heartily at the suggestion of organic ketchup and cloth diapers being in my home. I think me at 23 would think me at 33 was a little off her rocker. I guess I never expected to really grow and change as much as I have. And, its not just in my point of view about the "crunchy" things. I hope me at 23 would have humored me and loved me anyway, because she might just have learned what an adjusted point of view could do. Actually, I guess she did. And maybe I'll stop rolling my eyes so much, because well... who knows what I'll be like at 43 =)
Friday, February 15, 2008
Living Dangerously
What are the terms? Boundaries, balance, American Academy of Pediatrics reccommendations... So many choices how to guide my life decisions, and our decisions for babygirl.
Facing fear seems to be a topic God is working on with me recently.
My first big scary thing, putting babygirl to bed at night in her crib. Thats where the AAP comes in. She isn't six month yet, officially it is safer for her to sleep in our room. But, our room is small. She is too big for the basinet, and 2 out of the 3 of us sleep much better with her in her own room. The 1 out of 3 is me. All my life I've struggled with fear at night, when I wasn't in control. As a child at night I was afraid of fire, storms, robbers... now I get to add the fear of my child ceasing to breath, besides the danger of fire, storms, and burglers who might now decide to become kidknappers. It was so much easier to cacoon the three of us in our room. Where I could see her from my bed, could grab her in a second if necessary. When I wake up at 3am feeling the need to make sure she is OK, God has been teaching me to trust Him. His eyes see more clearly. His hands are faster and stronger than mine.
So He is setting me up for challenge number 2. There are people out there. People who need Him. People who I hear Him calling me to care for. There is a family who I already love but I'm not sure I can trust. These are real people, who really need God. But they could be dangerous. My mind works, It is not just me to consider. I have an innocent little one. What if because of them something would happen to baby girl? Shouldn't I protect her keep her safe. I ask these questions, but my heart calls out God's answer. He is able to protect her, keep her safe. But he desires to use us, including babygirl, to make others safe for eternity. God's call is to live sacrificially, to visit the prisoners, the sick, people who are dangerous.
As I ponder these things, yesterday God added another layer. I may be contemplating the danger of crib suffocation, or loving people with difficult histories. But I am sure very few Northern IL students were pondering the dangers of attending geology class, yet that was the most dangerous day in there life. It often takes tragedy to teach the true meaning of protection. It is not in the caccoon that we can try to build around ourselves and our children's lives, but in the safety of our souls held securely in God's hands. For neither death nor life... nor anything else in creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord! {Romans 8:38,39}
Facing fear seems to be a topic God is working on with me recently.
My first big scary thing, putting babygirl to bed at night in her crib. Thats where the AAP comes in. She isn't six month yet, officially it is safer for her to sleep in our room. But, our room is small. She is too big for the basinet, and 2 out of the 3 of us sleep much better with her in her own room. The 1 out of 3 is me. All my life I've struggled with fear at night, when I wasn't in control. As a child at night I was afraid of fire, storms, robbers... now I get to add the fear of my child ceasing to breath, besides the danger of fire, storms, and burglers who might now decide to become kidknappers. It was so much easier to cacoon the three of us in our room. Where I could see her from my bed, could grab her in a second if necessary. When I wake up at 3am feeling the need to make sure she is OK, God has been teaching me to trust Him. His eyes see more clearly. His hands are faster and stronger than mine.
So He is setting me up for challenge number 2. There are people out there. People who need Him. People who I hear Him calling me to care for. There is a family who I already love but I'm not sure I can trust. These are real people, who really need God. But they could be dangerous. My mind works, It is not just me to consider. I have an innocent little one. What if because of them something would happen to baby girl? Shouldn't I protect her keep her safe. I ask these questions, but my heart calls out God's answer. He is able to protect her, keep her safe. But he desires to use us, including babygirl, to make others safe for eternity. God's call is to live sacrificially, to visit the prisoners, the sick, people who are dangerous.
As I ponder these things, yesterday God added another layer. I may be contemplating the danger of crib suffocation, or loving people with difficult histories. But I am sure very few Northern IL students were pondering the dangers of attending geology class, yet that was the most dangerous day in there life. It often takes tragedy to teach the true meaning of protection. It is not in the caccoon that we can try to build around ourselves and our children's lives, but in the safety of our souls held securely in God's hands. For neither death nor life... nor anything else in creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord! {Romans 8:38,39}
Monday, February 4, 2008
A heart that knows Him...
A song popped into my head today, one I hadn't heard in a long time. The amazing thing is that it is the same song that became a lifeline for me, 6 years ago today.
Six years ago today I was awakened by a phone call from my dad in NY to tell me my nephew had been born in Georgia. My dad could barely hold in his proud delight. I got all the vital statistics, expressed my delight, hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and tried to hold back a torrent of tears.
You see, it should have been me. I was supposed to have the first grandchild. My 4th anniversary was just a few weeks away. My brother and his wife had only just past the 15 month mark. While they were celebrating the arrival of a baby they had not planned and weren't particularly prepared for, I was grieving the failure of my last cycle of infertility treatments. I wanted to be happy with them. But it was so hard when their joy just seemed to highlight my pain.
Lying on my bed I silently cried to God for help. Immediately the song came to me. I hadn't heard it in years:
It is a Twila Paris song I used to listen to a lot in college. And that day the words seemed to be written just for me. I dug out the tape, and played it in my car on the way to work. There were more words that touched my heart and gave me hope. "... it may be for my sake just to help me grow, maybe for your kingdom Lord, I don't need to know."
That day was a turning point. Oh I still stuggled, almost constantly for months and off and on for years. But I remembered those words and somehow it brought me great hope, that "I didn't need to know."
This morning, I was awakened by babygirl's laughter and chattering. As baby girl and I cozied in for her breakfast that song came to me again. It was then that I realized the date, and that I was in the very same place, lying on my bed. Only this time my dearest desire was in my arms. I had waited. I had followed love through the fire, I had reached the blessing on the other side. I still can't say that I know just why God took me through this trial, but it doesn't seem to matter right now. Right now life is filled with easy joy. Celebration is spontaneous.
But I know that as long as I remain in this world, someday there will be another fire. Another time when I will be called to celebrate through my own tears. I pray that experiencing this blessing on the other side will help me to persevere with more strength than I had before. And I am so thankful for the song that reminds me I don't need to know why, I just need to know Him.
{"A Heart That Knows You" is from the album by the same title, by Twila Paris, 1992.}
{Another note: I found out later on that Twila Paris had also experienced years of involuntary childlessness. Although the song does not speak directly about infertility, it was such a "God thing" to realize that this song really may have been written just for someone like me.}
Six years ago today I was awakened by a phone call from my dad in NY to tell me my nephew had been born in Georgia. My dad could barely hold in his proud delight. I got all the vital statistics, expressed my delight, hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and tried to hold back a torrent of tears.
You see, it should have been me. I was supposed to have the first grandchild. My 4th anniversary was just a few weeks away. My brother and his wife had only just past the 15 month mark. While they were celebrating the arrival of a baby they had not planned and weren't particularly prepared for, I was grieving the failure of my last cycle of infertility treatments. I wanted to be happy with them. But it was so hard when their joy just seemed to highlight my pain.
Lying on my bed I silently cried to God for help. Immediately the song came to me. I hadn't heard it in years:
...And a heart that knows You
is a heart that can wait
Die to the dearest desire
...And a heart that knows You
Is a heart that can still celebrate
Following love through the fire
It is a Twila Paris song I used to listen to a lot in college. And that day the words seemed to be written just for me. I dug out the tape, and played it in my car on the way to work. There were more words that touched my heart and gave me hope. "... it may be for my sake just to help me grow, maybe for your kingdom Lord, I don't need to know."
That day was a turning point. Oh I still stuggled, almost constantly for months and off and on for years. But I remembered those words and somehow it brought me great hope, that "I didn't need to know."
This morning, I was awakened by babygirl's laughter and chattering. As baby girl and I cozied in for her breakfast that song came to me again. It was then that I realized the date, and that I was in the very same place, lying on my bed. Only this time my dearest desire was in my arms. I had waited. I had followed love through the fire, I had reached the blessing on the other side. I still can't say that I know just why God took me through this trial, but it doesn't seem to matter right now. Right now life is filled with easy joy. Celebration is spontaneous.
But I know that as long as I remain in this world, someday there will be another fire. Another time when I will be called to celebrate through my own tears. I pray that experiencing this blessing on the other side will help me to persevere with more strength than I had before. And I am so thankful for the song that reminds me I don't need to know why, I just need to know Him.
{"A Heart That Knows You" is from the album by the same title, by Twila Paris, 1992.}
{Another note: I found out later on that Twila Paris had also experienced years of involuntary childlessness. Although the song does not speak directly about infertility, it was such a "God thing" to realize that this song really may have been written just for someone like me.}
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