Blessed in the bustle...

It was a typical evening. I was bustling about the kitchen trying to get dinner ready. Brown the meat, boil the water, add the sauce, "oops" almost forgot the pasta... Kick the dolly, toy bucket, plastic bowl out from under foot, "ouch" stepped on the toy shovel...Noise of the lawn mower, the radio, the slap, slap, scrape of the fly swatter... Need to the wash the dishes, running out of room on the counter...

Then I stopped, I looked up, I drank in the meaning. First I saw my almost 2 year old, adorable curly haired sitting on Daddy's storage box of church papers, intently pretending the fly swatter was a broom. Then the baby, contentedly curled up sleeping in her bouncy seat on the kitchen table. Then the wonderful man in my back yard, strong and steady, maneuvering the lawn mower with precision.

Yes the counter was messy. The toys were in the way. The sounds and movement of business, abounded. But I was struck by the blessing. I am living the dream.

Never thought this would be a picture of bliss:

But Ahhh...just had to spend a few minutes soaking it all in....

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

Hit and miss Tot School

Well the last 2 weeks were a bit crazy as I had some kooky medical things going. But all is well now. We did do some Tot School.

We did a lot "C" things as babydoll has quite the fascination w/ the letter "C". (I think it might be because it is also a word she uses, a lot; "See Mommy?" "See Daddy?"

"C" is for car:

We did a "C" page w/ cars on it. Then I got out the box of matchbox cars. We talked about colors and sizes, counted some of them, and then had fun crashing them off the coffee table.

Here she is coloring her car pages. We also did the "c" word puzzles: car, cat, cake, and cow. We did some "C" books, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and My First Book of Colors

Cleaning

Babydoll loves to help clean. And since I hurt my back and we were having a big party on Saturday, she got to "help" when Grandma came to the rescue. Here she is vacuuming w/ gma.

Other Stuff

We also did wooden letter blocks, and her "ABC" agriculture coloring book. Of course we did her favorite putting tri-color rigatoni in the shaker, she actually did some sorting by color this time! And we sorted through my fabric scraps so I can make her some letter bean bags for her birthday, it was a good time to talk about colors, textures, and sizes (too big, too small).

Favorite Picture

My favorite pic from the last 2 weeks has to be the one her aunt took when we went out to dinner w/ our extended family. She had to wear her cool sunglasses, and is starting to enjoy the crayons restaurants provide. (Mommy makes similar faces when she concentrates)

We are going to be focusing on farm animals in the coming 2 weeks since lots of time will be spent at the county fair. To see what others are doing in Tot School check out 1+1+1=1!

Mom Confessions....

I have some things to confess. For one thing I've been doing something "dangerous." For another I don't seem to feel the way I'm supposed to.

I'll just say it...my baby sleeps on her tummy. I am pretty settled about this now. But at first it was hard, heart wrenching actually. There I was a hormonal, extremely sleep deprived mommy of a 12 day old. I had a problem. My little lamb would not sleep on her back. This was new to me. Babydoll would sleep anytime, anyway, anywhere - but not little lamb. I was exhausted, I couldn't hold her anymore, I felt like I was going to drop her. At midnight, I knew I had a decision to make. I cried, I prayed, and I realized what I had to do. I had tried putting lamb on her tummy for naps, with close supervision. She slept so peacefully then. But now it was nighttime. I would be asleep and not in control. I was petrified. I feel so bad for those who lost a baby to SIDS. I can't imagine the pain. But as I thought about it, I realized that nearly everyone over the age of 30 slept on their tummies. As I prayed God spoke to me. I was living in fear. God would take care of my baby. And then I laughed, what fear was paralyzing me, a fear of caring for my baby the way my mom cared for me, and my grandma cared for her. So little lamb sleeps peacefully now, curled up on her tummy. When I told people I put her on her tummy I got a surprise. Many friends admitted that they too had a little one who had to sleep on her tummy. Many had been afraid to admit such a "horrible" thing. While it was a huge relief to find out I was not alone, it made me a little sad. Sad that fear kept us from being open and honest about it.

So I have another confession. This one I've only just started to share... I don't enjoy breastfeeding. And let me clarify, I don't have difficulty breastfeeding, I just don't enjoy it. As the lactation consultant told me I was "born to breastfeed." The actual mechanics of it are easy. But on a feeling level it is just a task, not much different than changing diapers. I can't relate to those who savor nursing as a bonding time. My baby just seems to be staring at my armpit. With babydoll, a champion nurser, I really didn't have much choice anyway. She would rather wait seven hours to nurse than take a bottle. And she was such an easy baby the rest of the time, it didn't matter much. But little lamb is different. She is a good nurser, but gassy so I have lots of dietary restrictions. And she loves bottles. I actually gave her one, of breast milk, the other day. It was a precious time. I loved looking into her eyes as she ate, and enjoyed eating. If If I wasn't so thrifty (read "cheap") She would have become a bottle baby right then and there. But instead I keep plugging away...But I wonder if there aren't other moms out there who feel like me. I don't want to discourage people from nursing. But I do want to confess, because maybe I am not alone in my lack of enthusiasm for nursing. Maybe I don't need to feel guilty...maybe someone else doesn't need to feel guilty either...

Humility and patience....

Its a quiet moment here. Babydoll is off to grandma and grandpa's for the day. Little Lamb is sleeping again...since I just popped her paci back in...(blushing.)

Ahhh... the best laid plans and grandiose ideas. Hmmm...were my ideals wrong, am I just not persistent enough, was I undermined by an other half whose tender heart can't bear to see his little girls cry unnecessarily? Probably a little bit of all of the above. Well the paci intervention was a failure. Or maybe it was just a learning experience, for me.

There was some success. Little Lamb has actually been a happier baby the last few days. And will actually be awake and smiling for longer periods of time sans paci. I am much more mindful of when I "pop" the paci in. And she isn't always getting it popped back in right away, and occasionally actually gets over it. But, my friends laughed at my attempt to "break" my 6 week old of anything.

Guess I'm learning humility and patience this week. Humility from Little lamb, patience from babydoll...

I am not a messy mom. Well I am a person who tends toward randomness, but I don't like yucky messes. Yes books, papers, and toys might be scattered about my home. But babydolls hands and face are wiped regularly throughout mealtime. And I keep the play dough well hidden, cause most of the time I'm just not into the mess. So yesterday my patience was challenged.

Babydoll met me at her bedroom door in the morning w/ a beautiful smile, and with her diaper in her hand saying "Uh-oh." She earnestly pointed out the "wet" spots on the floor, and I quickly found the wet spot on her bed. I looked at her and looked at the floor, and inwardly I laughed. I was amazed I was able to calmly explain that she had "peed" and pee should go in the potty. At this pre-potty training stage I had been wondering how I would introduce the concept of peeing to my little girl, well there ya go.

Then later in the afternoon, babydoll met the salt shaker. They had a lovely playdate while mommy wasn't paying attention. I amazed myself again, instead of fuming, I took a picture. Babydoll was a little unsure of mom's reaction. After the initial shock, I was trying not to laugh. (By the way you would be amazed how salt spreads. My entire kitchen is gritty.)

It is good seeing God use the little things to make me grow. Seeing fruit in the rather ordinary reminds me how involved God desires to be in each moment. And although next time I may wait for success before publishing my grand child-rearing plan on the internet, there is something freeing in admitting failure. And while I still don't see myself breaking out the play dough or glue on a regular basis any time soon, it is good to know that when these things happen I can take it...well...with a grain of salt =)

Trying to de-pacify her...or a tiny push toward God

I decided she's an addict. I decided we need an intervention. My other half just hopes it is over before he comes home...

We have a pacifier tyrant. She must be stopped. Little lamb loves her paci, sort of. She likes to have it put in her mouth, suck for a few minutes, pop it out, and then loudly insist on having it put back. OK the popping out part may be unintentional, more a factor of immature little lips, but the screaming until it is returned is intentional. "They" say you can't spoil a baby, I disagree.

Certainly, I don't feel it is possible to love a baby too much. And my little ones get cuddled and played with lots. In fact Little lamb spends much of the after dinner before bed time being held by Mommy or Daddy. But I do believe you can spoil a baby. I do believe you can give in to a baby's every demand and start to teach the little one that she is the center of the universe. Tough love is sometimes necessary, even with a six week old.

I know my view isn't popular among "they" - the "parenting experts." But I feel that it is biblical. God created us in His image, including my little lamb. And we are all marred by sin from the fall, including my little lamb. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I guess I believe that therefore little lamb must be capable of selfishness, even though she doesn't understand it. I believe that it is our soul that gives us human value and worth. To have a soul is to be capable of sin. While it is pleasant to think of our dear little ones as innocents, it devalues there worth as human beings to believe they are without a will of their own.

So back to the paci - It all started innocently enough. Poor little lamb, she had such terrible gassiness. She would scream and cry, painful ear piercing screams. Sucking seemed to help. But putting more milk into an already troubled tummy didn't. So I gave her a paci. Later we discovered she was having trouble with the dairy products I was consuming. So I said goodbye to my milk and cheese and sour cream....all that yummy stuff. Anyway, as long as I avoid those foods she does pretty well. But we still were in the habit of popping the paci in her mouth whenever she fussed. And now, we were no longer responding to pitiful screams of pain, but baby temper tantrums.

I've debated for days what to do. I mean paci's have some good points. I am not completely opposed to them. But I am opposed to jumping at her every whim to pop one in. But being 6 weeks old does have its limitations and understanding when a paci is permitted is one of them. So I decided cold turkey would be easiest on her, and us. It's been over 8 hours now, and so far so good...but evening is coming...

Maybe she'll get it back one day. Maybe she'll soon forget she ever had it. And maybe this is her first tiny step to learning that she is a part of God's plan. Her first hint that there is something bigger than her own little world. Her first tiny push toward learning to seek His will above all.

Babydoll and Little Lamb

If I start this post with a whole long time no blog thing I'll never get much written. SO I'll just jump ahead.

Babygirl is no longer the baby in this home. Her little sister joined us April 27, 2009. And while there are a few small physical resemblances between the two, I am amazed at how unalike my 2 little girls are.

It seems strange for babygirl to not be the "baby" anymore. Of course in a way she still is a "baby" not having even reached 2 years yet. But all of the sudden I have visions of her growing up, of her someday being my friend and not just my sweet little baby. I guess I feel the need to rename her as far as endearing nicknames go. And I've decided she'll always be my little "dolly".
OK, while it is convenient that her name happens to rhyme, she is really such a babydoll in so many ways. My little girl of the golden curls, rosebud cheeks, big eyes, and long lovely lashes looks like she came straight from a Madame Alexander box (well when she isn't covered in spaghetti sauce etc...) Although it seems vain to admit it, I can't help but notice that my oldest daughter is a very pretty child. This both delights and frightens me at the same time. But my little dolly is so much more than that. She is cuddly and loving, and eager to please. Her easy going and relatively unselfish (she is almost 2 you know) personality are so endearing. And as our first so long awaited child she will always be the fulfillment of my childhood dream. The culmination of all my days playing "mommy" as little girl, my sweet little dolly.

And now we have been joined by my "little lamb". And no, I didn't go for a rhyme this time, didn't seem right to refer to my new little one as my little "feather". For some reason I began referring to our sweet little baby as my little lamb before her birth. Although as a family we called her "Bob"- that's another story. But in those quiet moments when I contemplated this new little life inside of me she was my little lamb. I even bought a lamb as her special stuffed animal. And I can already see her "lambykin"-ness coming through. (Yes I get a little close to baby talk w/ that one) Of course if you ever stopped by the sheep barn at the fair, well she sure sounds like one. Unlike babydoll - her "Does your baby ever cry?" sister - little lamb makes her presence and opinions known. But she also knows her mommy. Unlike babydoll who was happy w/ anyone and anywhere, my sweet little lamb needs a mommy to shepherd to her through the day. I will say that, like different qualities in her sister, this both delights and frightens me at the same time. I also see in her an intent alertness that her analytical momma finds fascinating and wonderful.

So where is this all going. I am trying to enjoy my precious little ones and not project the future. But I can't help but ponder....How much fun and laughter raising such a cheerful one as babydoll will bring...How much delightful discovery and learning an inquisitive one like little lamb will add to our home. Then of course how can my momma's heart help but worry...will babydoll's beauty and tender heart bring her pain...Will little lambs pensive spirit cause her difficulty... I guess I am so blessed to know that God made them each just the way they are supposed to be. They are both so different. I am so glad I can rest in the knowledge that His plan for each one is perfect.

Living Dangerously

What are the terms? Boundaries, balance, American Academy of Pediatrics reccommendations... So many choices how to guide my life decisions, and our decisions for babygirl.

Facing fear seems to be a topic God is working on with me recently.

My first big scary thing, putting babygirl to bed at night in her crib. Thats where the AAP comes in. She isn't six month yet, officially it is safer for her to sleep in our room. But, our room is small. She is too big for the basinet, and 2 out of the 3 of us sleep much better with her in her own room. The 1 out of 3 is me. All my life I've struggled with fear at night, when I wasn't in control. As a child at night I was afraid of fire, storms, robbers... now I get to add the fear of my child ceasing to breath, besides the danger of fire, storms, and burglers who might now decide to become kidknappers. It was so much easier to cacoon the three of us in our room. Where I could see her from my bed, could grab her in a second if necessary. When I wake up at 3am feeling the need to make sure she is OK, God has been teaching me to trust Him. His eyes see more clearly. His hands are faster and stronger than mine.

So He is setting me up for challenge number 2. There are people out there. People who need Him. People who I hear Him calling me to care for. There is a family who I already love but I'm not sure I can trust. These are real people, who really need God. But they could be dangerous. My mind works, It is not just me to consider. I have an innocent little one. What if because of them something would happen to baby girl? Shouldn't I protect her keep her safe. I ask these questions, but my heart calls out God's answer. He is able to protect her, keep her safe. But he desires to use us, including babygirl, to make others safe for eternity. God's call is to live sacrificially, to visit the prisoners, the sick, people who are dangerous.

As I ponder these things, yesterday God added another layer. I may be contemplating the danger of crib suffocation, or loving people with difficult histories. But I am sure very few Northern IL students were pondering the dangers of attending geology class, yet that was the most dangerous day in there life. It often takes tragedy to teach the true meaning of protection. It is not in the caccoon that we can try to build around ourselves and our children's lives, but in the safety of our souls held securely in God's hands. For neither death nor life... nor anything else in creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord! {Romans 8:38,39}

Guess I'll probably never get my PhD...

Or a Masters degree for that matter. I recently found a high school friend through cyberspace. It was so fun to reconnect with her. She is working on her PhD in biology. Every once in a while I google some high school friends to see if I can find them. One has a PhD in physics, the other has one in computer engineering. These were the people who I hung out with. It's funny I did really well in high school. I love academics. I was voted "most likely to succeed". I was not just expected to go to college because that is what one does, I was expected to go because I was "really smart".

But what did I really want? I wanted to be a wife and mom. This option was not on the horizon when I graduated high school. So I went to college and got my BSPT. I'm glad I did. My physical therapy degree has been a gift from God. I have loved serving my patients and touching their lives. Also, I would not have met my husband if I hadn't come out here for college. But, I could have done more. I had the brains to go on, I could have gotten a PhD.

Finding my friend made me reflect on this. I liked being a brain. I liked school. I liked being known for how smart I was. It would be fun to be Dr. Debbie. I even had the fleeting thought of looking at the listings of the Masters programs at the nearby University.

Then I had to look at myself and say "What are you thinking?" I have a beautiful 5 month old babygirl. One who I waited 9 years for. In some ways waited all my life for. It is hard to leave her for the 4 hours a week that I occasionally work when she is having fun with grandpa or auntie. Why would I want classes and homework and lab time? Why would I want to miss out on so much?

I think in some ways it is pride that fuels those fleeting desires. If I had those letters after my name people would remember that I'm smart. I wouldn't be "just a mom". People would be impressed.

But, it is also the joy of learning and discovery. I love to learn new things. I enjoy change. One of the hardest part of my infertility years was that I felt stagnant. Nothing was changing, I went to the same job day in day out. Came home to the same house. It appeared I could be doing that forever. When I went to a class for work or got involved in a good Bible Study I felt that energy of learning, changing.

Now I realized that God has provided perfectly. I want to be here for babygirl, and since she won't be grown up untill I'm in my 50's, I don't think I'll be getting that degree. My pride will not be fed. I will just have my little secret, "I'm really smart y'know". I must learn to find my significance in being a child of God, and doing what He has given me, not what will most impress others. But the joy of learning and discovery! Oh wow! Meet my babygirl. I learn new things everyday. And can look forward to 18 years of us both growing and discovering.

Yes, I could be researching the intricacy of cellular transport. But reading "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See" and pondering the the intricacy of how babygirl's retina and inner ear are translating the concept of yellow duck to be applied to the color of sunshine and daffodils, is just as intellectually stimulating and a lot more fun. Yes, I could be teaching motor learning theory to college students. But applying it by practicing "so big" with babygirl produces giggles and precious memories, and she doesn't ask if this will be on a test.

So to my educated friends with advanced degrees. I am truly happy for your pursuit of knowledge. I know God can use it in great ways.

But I will be not just satisfied, but truly overjoyed to be pursuing my knowledge with a research partner who babbles and drools, and celebrates new finds with smiles and laughter.