We were driving on an outing with my youth group in Jr. High. The subject of soccer came up. I laughingly said how horrible I was at soccer. Our youth leader admonished me from the driver's seat. I shouldn't say things like that, she was concerned about my "self-esteem". I replied (again laughingly) that my self-esteem was just fine, I was terrible at soccer but I had a genius IQ. She was taken aback. Later she expressed her discomfort with me "bragging" about my IQ in front of the other girls.
It was in early elementary school that we watched movies called "Free To Be You and Me". I found them disturbing. The catchy tunes were memorable. But the messages didn't ring true to what I experienced as reality. The idea that "you can be anything you want to be", that just didn't seem right.
As a young child I wanted to be a singer, a writer, and a ballerina. I took dance lessons. When I was seven I realized that no matter what "they" said, I could not be a ballerina. So I happily quit dance lessons, with my parents full support. In 4th grade I sang in the children's choir and the school choir. I noticed that though I "made" choir I was rarely chosen for solos. I was impressed with the voices of others. I realized though I could sing for fun, I wouldn't be signing any autographs.
I so appreciate my parents. I know they gently guided me in these areas. They taught me to laugh when I tripped over my feet. They taught me to celebrate my academic skills. They taught me to appreciate those with talents beyond mine. They help me discover my strengths and weaknesses, and I learned that some things could be both.
Somewhere along the way I learned that I was gifted, that we all are gifted. God has created us with distinct abilities and callings. He has given us those gifts for His glory. I not free to be anything I want to be. I need to be what He has called me to be.
Showing posts with label Following God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Following God. Show all posts
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, May 17, 2010
Thoughts on the book: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle (Part 3)
As I read the last chapter in the book I wanted to cry or scream. The author discusses her friend who is making a movie about climate change. Her friend asks the question: "How do we encourage people to keep their hope, but not their complacency?" The concern was that if they didn't present the problem as dire enough people wouldn't care, but if it was too dire people would feel doomed and be paralyzed. My heart screamed the answer, I imagine my mouth even said it, "God!!" God is the answer.
I firmly believe our planet is doomed to destruction someday. I kind of doubt that global warming has anything to do with it. But we live in a world warped by sin, and God has promised that he has prepared a better place for us. This gives us great hope! Still we have been charged to be stewards of God's creation. This gives us motivation to be responsible with what God has given us. God is the answer.
Though the author does not specify, she indicates she is likely an atheist, or at least agnostic. She speaks indirectly to this as she describes how they celebrate holidays. Also, throughout the book the author and her daughter (another secondary author) refer to how we evolved to use certain foods. As someone who has studied secular biology, and read a great deal regarding creation science, what the author usually refers to as evolution is actually what I would consider adaption or excellent evidence for intelligent design. Since much of her viewpoint is based in evolutionary science, it gives me pause as I read some of her other "scientific" theories. It is hard to trust what is built on a faulty foundation.
The saddest part of the whole book was her description of their Thanksgiving. At the end of the description of the mouth-watering foods, and their small cheat of importing cranberries, is this statement "... for here is a day off work just to praise Creation." As I read that I had mingled sensations of horror, and heartbreak. The Bible is clear. Praising creation instead of seeing the divine nature and eternal power of God in creation, is the reason the world is doomed to destruction. In one sense it was amazing to see the words of Romans 1, so clearly displayed in our modern world:
But, these are real people. Barbara Kingsolver has a real soul and God loves her. It is heartbreaking that although she loves His creation so greatly, she is blinded to God's love and purpose. As I finished the book, I prayed. I prayed for the authors to be able to find the real source of hope, the real One to praise.
This is the main reason I can not recommend this book. If you have a firm understanding of your faith, if you have the inclination to read critically, it can be an excellent opportunity to develop an understanding of the devout environmentalist perspective. But if you do not know what you believe, or you just don't feel like working hard while reading, please don't read this book.
It can't help but wonder what this experiment would be like from a Biblical perspective. Maybe instead of the sad, but so true, Romans passage we could celebrate with the joyful truth of this:
I firmly believe our planet is doomed to destruction someday. I kind of doubt that global warming has anything to do with it. But we live in a world warped by sin, and God has promised that he has prepared a better place for us. This gives us great hope! Still we have been charged to be stewards of God's creation. This gives us motivation to be responsible with what God has given us. God is the answer.
Though the author does not specify, she indicates she is likely an atheist, or at least agnostic. She speaks indirectly to this as she describes how they celebrate holidays. Also, throughout the book the author and her daughter (another secondary author) refer to how we evolved to use certain foods. As someone who has studied secular biology, and read a great deal regarding creation science, what the author usually refers to as evolution is actually what I would consider adaption or excellent evidence for intelligent design. Since much of her viewpoint is based in evolutionary science, it gives me pause as I read some of her other "scientific" theories. It is hard to trust what is built on a faulty foundation.
The saddest part of the whole book was her description of their Thanksgiving. At the end of the description of the mouth-watering foods, and their small cheat of importing cranberries, is this statement "... for here is a day off work just to praise Creation." As I read that I had mingled sensations of horror, and heartbreak. The Bible is clear. Praising creation instead of seeing the divine nature and eternal power of God in creation, is the reason the world is doomed to destruction. In one sense it was amazing to see the words of Romans 1, so clearly displayed in our modern world:
Romans 1:20-24
For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their
hearts...
But, these are real people. Barbara Kingsolver has a real soul and God loves her. It is heartbreaking that although she loves His creation so greatly, she is blinded to God's love and purpose. As I finished the book, I prayed. I prayed for the authors to be able to find the real source of hope, the real One to praise.
This is the main reason I can not recommend this book. If you have a firm understanding of your faith, if you have the inclination to read critically, it can be an excellent opportunity to develop an understanding of the devout environmentalist perspective. But if you do not know what you believe, or you just don't feel like working hard while reading, please don't read this book.
It can't help but wonder what this experiment would be like from a Biblical perspective. Maybe instead of the sad, but so true, Romans passage we could celebrate with the joyful truth of this:
Psalm 104
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul.
O LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty...
13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the earth is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
14 He makes
grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for man to cultivate—
bringing forth food from the earth:
15 wine that gladdens the
heart of man,
oil to make his face shine,
and bread that sustains his heart...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Boxes # 14 through.....
32!!!!
After 9 days of my decluttering challenge I have dug out 32 boxes of stuff to get rid of. (I guess I should have started with a bigger box) I would double my goal to 60, but I know I still have 2 of my worst areas to go, so I think I will just keep counting and see if I can get to 100! That sounds daunting. But really I am a third of the way there in less than a third of the month.
It is amazing once you get started how you want to keep on going. The lightness I feel after getting rid of stuff is great motivation. And I have been learning and growing through this too. I have been jotting down some of my spiritual reflections as I go along. I think I will take time during May to develop some of those thoughts more deeply.
But this past week I have heard two messages that hit home more because of my decluttering challenge. First our pastor preached a great message on idolatry on Sunday. It really made me think about what my "stuff" represented. As I sorted through a lot of my nostalgia, I thought the each item I was holding onto. Was it tangible story to pass on to the next generation? Or was it my own personal little shrine to my past? The tangible stories can stay, the shrines need to go.
Second, the devotional speaker at my mom's group spoke about making time for an intimate relationship with God. (She was really good, and just happens to be my wonderful real life mom.) As I was cleaning out my hall closet I thought about all the time I waste, moving stuff around, searching for stuff, cleaning out stuff just because I have too much stuff. God is a jealous God. I think He wants that time back, for me to spend with Him and use for Him.
So now for some before and afters:
Here we have the girl's/guest's linen closets:
I had 7 sets of sheets for my guest room!! The only people who have used it in the last year are me and the screaming baby, and my sister-in-law. I plan to use the empty space for kids games when I unearth them in the family room. I pared down my scrapbooking supplies to one long tub. That is in my closet. Hopefully the sewing stuff will move there too. Then I can use that space for the heavy blankets I'll need to put away as the weather warms up.
And the hallway coat closet:
Yes we have a lot of coats. That happens to farmers. Since I promised myself I would not declutter anything personally belonging to the farmer, we still have a lot of coats, but not quite so many. The best thing was relocating those 3 drawer organizers. Now I frequently drool over these at the store. And here I had 2 on the top shelf of my coat closet. OK, why would someone put 3 drawer organizers on a top shelf. Well, we're tall, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. So I moved one down to a useful level. And I put things on the top shelf that I could reach and move easily without standing on a chair. The other 3 drawer organizer is sitting empty waiting for me to find the perfect spot. I think my closet is calling it's name.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Humility and patience....
Its a quiet moment here. Babydoll is off to grandma and grandpa's for the day. Little Lamb is sleeping again...since I just popped her paci back in...(blushing.)
It is good seeing God use the little things to make me grow. Seeing fruit in the rather ordinary reminds me how involved God desires to be in each moment. And although next time I may wait for success before publishing my grand child-rearing plan on the internet, there is something freeing in admitting failure. And while I still don't see myself breaking out the play dough or glue on a regular basis any time soon, it is good to know that when these things happen I can take it...well...with a grain of salt =)
Ahhh... the best laid plans and grandiose ideas. Hmmm...were my ideals wrong, am I just not persistent enough, was I undermined by an other half whose tender heart can't bear to see his little girls cry unnecessarily? Probably a little bit of all of the above. Well the paci intervention was a failure. Or maybe it was just a learning experience, for me.
There was some success. Little Lamb has actually been a happier baby the last few days. And will actually be awake and smiling for longer periods of time sans paci. I am much more mindful of when I "pop" the paci in. And she isn't always getting it popped back in right away, and occasionally actually gets over it. But, my friends laughed at my attempt to "break" my 6 week old of anything.
Guess I'm learning humility and patience this week. Humility from Little lamb, patience from babydoll...
I am not a messy mom. Well I am a person who tends toward randomness, but I don't like yucky messes. Yes books, papers, and toys might be scattered about my home. But babydolls hands and face are wiped regularly throughout mealtime. And I keep the play dough well hidden, cause most of the time I'm just not into the mess. So yesterday my patience was challenged.
Babydoll met me at her bedroom door in the morning w/ a beautiful smile, and with her diaper in her hand saying "Uh-oh." She earnestly pointed out the "wet" spots on the floor, and I quickly found the wet spot on her bed. I looked at her and looked at the floor, and inwardly I laughed. I was amazed I was able to calmly explain that she had "peed" and pee should go in the potty. At this pre-potty training stage I had been wondering how I would introduce the concept of peeing to my little girl, well there ya go.
Then later in the afternoon, babydoll met the salt shaker. They had a lovely playdate while mommy wasn't paying attention. I amazed myself again, instead of fuming, I took a picture. Babydoll was a little unsure of mom's reaction. After the initial shock, I was trying not to laugh. (By the way you would be amazed how salt spreads. My entire kitchen is gritty.)
It is good seeing God use the little things to make me grow. Seeing fruit in the rather ordinary reminds me how involved God desires to be in each moment. And although next time I may wait for success before publishing my grand child-rearing plan on the internet, there is something freeing in admitting failure. And while I still don't see myself breaking out the play dough or glue on a regular basis any time soon, it is good to know that when these things happen I can take it...well...with a grain of salt =)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Trying to de-pacify her...or a tiny push toward God
I decided she's an addict. I decided we need an intervention. My other half just hopes it is over before he comes home...
We have a pacifier tyrant. She must be stopped. Little lamb loves her paci, sort of. She likes to have it put in her mouth, suck for a few minutes, pop it out, and then loudly insist on having it put back. OK the popping out part may be unintentional, more a factor of immature little lips, but the screaming until it is returned is intentional. "They" say you can't spoil a baby, I disagree.
Certainly, I don't feel it is possible to love a baby too much. And my little ones get cuddled and played with lots. In fact Little lamb spends much of the after dinner before bed time being held by Mommy or Daddy. But I do believe you can spoil a baby. I do believe you can give in to a baby's every demand and start to teach the little one that she is the center of the universe. Tough love is sometimes necessary, even with a six week old.
I know my view isn't popular among "they" - the "parenting experts." But I feel that it is biblical. God created us in His image, including my little lamb. And we are all marred by sin from the fall, including my little lamb. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I guess I believe that therefore little lamb must be capable of selfishness, even though she doesn't understand it. I believe that it is our soul that gives us human value and worth. To have a soul is to be capable of sin. While it is pleasant to think of our dear little ones as innocents, it devalues there worth as human beings to believe they are without a will of their own.
So back to the paci - It all started innocently enough. Poor little lamb, she had such terrible gassiness. She would scream and cry, painful ear piercing screams. Sucking seemed to help. But putting more milk into an already troubled tummy didn't. So I gave her a paci. Later we discovered she was having trouble with the dairy products I was consuming. So I said goodbye to my milk and cheese and sour cream....all that yummy stuff. Anyway, as long as I avoid those foods she does pretty well. But we still were in the habit of popping the paci in her mouth whenever she fussed. And now, we were no longer responding to pitiful screams of pain, but baby temper tantrums.
I've debated for days what to do. I mean paci's have some good points. I am not completely opposed to them. But I am opposed to jumping at her every whim to pop one in. But being 6 weeks old does have its limitations and understanding when a paci is permitted is one of them. So I decided cold turkey would be easiest on her, and us. It's been over 8 hours now, and so far so good...but evening is coming...
Maybe she'll get it back one day. Maybe she'll soon forget she ever had it. And maybe this is her first tiny step to learning that she is a part of God's plan. Her first hint that there is something bigger than her own little world. Her first tiny push toward learning to seek His will above all.
We have a pacifier tyrant. She must be stopped. Little lamb loves her paci, sort of. She likes to have it put in her mouth, suck for a few minutes, pop it out, and then loudly insist on having it put back. OK the popping out part may be unintentional, more a factor of immature little lips, but the screaming until it is returned is intentional. "They" say you can't spoil a baby, I disagree.
Certainly, I don't feel it is possible to love a baby too much. And my little ones get cuddled and played with lots. In fact Little lamb spends much of the after dinner before bed time being held by Mommy or Daddy. But I do believe you can spoil a baby. I do believe you can give in to a baby's every demand and start to teach the little one that she is the center of the universe. Tough love is sometimes necessary, even with a six week old.
I know my view isn't popular among "they" - the "parenting experts." But I feel that it is biblical. God created us in His image, including my little lamb. And we are all marred by sin from the fall, including my little lamb. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I guess I believe that therefore little lamb must be capable of selfishness, even though she doesn't understand it. I believe that it is our soul that gives us human value and worth. To have a soul is to be capable of sin. While it is pleasant to think of our dear little ones as innocents, it devalues there worth as human beings to believe they are without a will of their own.
So back to the paci - It all started innocently enough. Poor little lamb, she had such terrible gassiness. She would scream and cry, painful ear piercing screams. Sucking seemed to help. But putting more milk into an already troubled tummy didn't. So I gave her a paci. Later we discovered she was having trouble with the dairy products I was consuming. So I said goodbye to my milk and cheese and sour cream....all that yummy stuff. Anyway, as long as I avoid those foods she does pretty well. But we still were in the habit of popping the paci in her mouth whenever she fussed. And now, we were no longer responding to pitiful screams of pain, but baby temper tantrums.
I've debated for days what to do. I mean paci's have some good points. I am not completely opposed to them. But I am opposed to jumping at her every whim to pop one in. But being 6 weeks old does have its limitations and understanding when a paci is permitted is one of them. So I decided cold turkey would be easiest on her, and us. It's been over 8 hours now, and so far so good...but evening is coming...
Maybe she'll get it back one day. Maybe she'll soon forget she ever had it. And maybe this is her first tiny step to learning that she is a part of God's plan. Her first hint that there is something bigger than her own little world. Her first tiny push toward learning to seek His will above all.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Knowing Who it is about...
More Ephesians...
Knowing it is not about me, I realize how important it is for me to really know who it is about, to really know God. Internalizing the idea that it is not about me tempts me to think that I really don't matter. Since my life is not for my benefit, but for God's, truly understanding God's nature is what makes life worth living.
As I thought this through, I continued reading and saw that Paul was thinking the same thing. In Ephesians 1:17 he tells the Ephesians that he is praying for them to "know Him (God) better." Paul wants them to know the hope they are called to and the riches of his glorious inheritance. It struck me that these are not earthly things, but eternal. We won't even clearly "see" these things until after we leave this life.
So, how to go on? How do we a live a life not for our benefit? How do we live a life for goals we can not reach during our lifetime? We can go on because God has great power for us (vs.19). And Christ has been given dominion and all authority (vs. 20-22). Christ also spent time here, we can read about His life, His love, forgiveness, and patience. He is someone we can trust.
It is just making me realize how important reading my Bible is. The more I know about God, the more I see of the hope I am called to and the inheritance I have. God is so big, He is so wise, He is so good. As I get to know him better, I better understand that while it is not about me, it is about what is best and what is most important.
Knowing it is not about me, I realize how important it is for me to really know who it is about, to really know God. Internalizing the idea that it is not about me tempts me to think that I really don't matter. Since my life is not for my benefit, but for God's, truly understanding God's nature is what makes life worth living.
As I thought this through, I continued reading and saw that Paul was thinking the same thing. In Ephesians 1:17 he tells the Ephesians that he is praying for them to "know Him (God) better." Paul wants them to know the hope they are called to and the riches of his glorious inheritance. It struck me that these are not earthly things, but eternal. We won't even clearly "see" these things until after we leave this life.
So, how to go on? How do we a live a life not for our benefit? How do we live a life for goals we can not reach during our lifetime? We can go on because God has great power for us (vs.19). And Christ has been given dominion and all authority (vs. 20-22). Christ also spent time here, we can read about His life, His love, forgiveness, and patience. He is someone we can trust.
It is just making me realize how important reading my Bible is. The more I know about God, the more I see of the hope I am called to and the inheritance I have. God is so big, He is so wise, He is so good. As I get to know him better, I better understand that while it is not about me, it is about what is best and what is most important.
Monday, November 17, 2008
It is not about me...or more on Ephesians
I've been reading the first chapter of Ephesians and trying to really have it sink in. The first 14 verses have really hit me with a theme... It is not about me!
Paul even starts out by pointing out that it isn't about him. In verse one he states he is an apostle "by the will of God" Then verse by verse he shows us how it is not about us.
In verse 3 we find we already have every spiritual blessing.
In verse 4 we find He chose us before creation began.
In verse 5 we find it is His pleasure and will that motivates our predestination.
In verse 6 we find He has given us his grace freely.
Paul even starts out by pointing out that it isn't about him. In verse one he states he is an apostle "by the will of God" Then verse by verse he shows us how it is not about us.
In verse 3 we find we already have every spiritual blessing.
In verse 4 we find He chose us before creation began.
In verse 5 we find it is His pleasure and will that motivates our predestination.
In verse 6 we find He has given us his grace freely.
In verse 7 we find our redemption and forgiveness correlates to His riches of grace.
None of this has anything to do with what I have done or will do. None of it has anything to do with my talents or potential. It isn't about who I am or can be, it is about what He wants to do with me. But there is more...
In verse 9 we find we now know the mystery of His will.
In verse 10 we find His will is to bring all things together under one head.
In verse 11 we find we are chosen according to his plan and purpose.
In verse 12 we find we He has done this for the praise of His glory.
In verse 13 & 14 we find we are marked and His possession again for the praise of His glory.
None of this has anything to do with my plans. He didn't choose me for my benefit. It is not about what I want or need, it is about what He wants to with my life.
My first thought was how wonderful. A feeling of freedom filled me. But my immediate second thought was "Oh, it really isn't about me." I read this passage and realize that I so often live like it is about me; "God, I want to do this so please help me," or "God I don't like this please take it away." In a way it made me feel like I'm not really that important. I mean God could do without me. Isn't that bad for my self-esteem?
But that is where that freedom comes in. God could "do without me" but he chose to "do with me." How cool is that? My talents and potential aren't critical to His success. I am free to just be what He makes me. My plan may fly out the window, but God's plan is the one that will have success. My failures may just be exactly the achievement God is going for.
If I can only remember this I could eliminate much of the worry and fretting from my life. Growing up in public schools in the 70's, and 80's they spent a lot of time telling us that we were "free to be whatever we wanted to be, and free to do whatever we wanted to do." I think a lot of us were let down when we discovered that in reality our plans often don't work.
But I want to remember that I'm truly free. Free to be what He makes me and go where He leads me.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Living Dangerously
What are the terms? Boundaries, balance, American Academy of Pediatrics reccommendations... So many choices how to guide my life decisions, and our decisions for babygirl.
Facing fear seems to be a topic God is working on with me recently.
My first big scary thing, putting babygirl to bed at night in her crib. Thats where the AAP comes in. She isn't six month yet, officially it is safer for her to sleep in our room. But, our room is small. She is too big for the basinet, and 2 out of the 3 of us sleep much better with her in her own room. The 1 out of 3 is me. All my life I've struggled with fear at night, when I wasn't in control. As a child at night I was afraid of fire, storms, robbers... now I get to add the fear of my child ceasing to breath, besides the danger of fire, storms, and burglers who might now decide to become kidknappers. It was so much easier to cacoon the three of us in our room. Where I could see her from my bed, could grab her in a second if necessary. When I wake up at 3am feeling the need to make sure she is OK, God has been teaching me to trust Him. His eyes see more clearly. His hands are faster and stronger than mine.
So He is setting me up for challenge number 2. There are people out there. People who need Him. People who I hear Him calling me to care for. There is a family who I already love but I'm not sure I can trust. These are real people, who really need God. But they could be dangerous. My mind works, It is not just me to consider. I have an innocent little one. What if because of them something would happen to baby girl? Shouldn't I protect her keep her safe. I ask these questions, but my heart calls out God's answer. He is able to protect her, keep her safe. But he desires to use us, including babygirl, to make others safe for eternity. God's call is to live sacrificially, to visit the prisoners, the sick, people who are dangerous.
As I ponder these things, yesterday God added another layer. I may be contemplating the danger of crib suffocation, or loving people with difficult histories. But I am sure very few Northern IL students were pondering the dangers of attending geology class, yet that was the most dangerous day in there life. It often takes tragedy to teach the true meaning of protection. It is not in the caccoon that we can try to build around ourselves and our children's lives, but in the safety of our souls held securely in God's hands. For neither death nor life... nor anything else in creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord! {Romans 8:38,39}
Facing fear seems to be a topic God is working on with me recently.
My first big scary thing, putting babygirl to bed at night in her crib. Thats where the AAP comes in. She isn't six month yet, officially it is safer for her to sleep in our room. But, our room is small. She is too big for the basinet, and 2 out of the 3 of us sleep much better with her in her own room. The 1 out of 3 is me. All my life I've struggled with fear at night, when I wasn't in control. As a child at night I was afraid of fire, storms, robbers... now I get to add the fear of my child ceasing to breath, besides the danger of fire, storms, and burglers who might now decide to become kidknappers. It was so much easier to cacoon the three of us in our room. Where I could see her from my bed, could grab her in a second if necessary. When I wake up at 3am feeling the need to make sure she is OK, God has been teaching me to trust Him. His eyes see more clearly. His hands are faster and stronger than mine.
So He is setting me up for challenge number 2. There are people out there. People who need Him. People who I hear Him calling me to care for. There is a family who I already love but I'm not sure I can trust. These are real people, who really need God. But they could be dangerous. My mind works, It is not just me to consider. I have an innocent little one. What if because of them something would happen to baby girl? Shouldn't I protect her keep her safe. I ask these questions, but my heart calls out God's answer. He is able to protect her, keep her safe. But he desires to use us, including babygirl, to make others safe for eternity. God's call is to live sacrificially, to visit the prisoners, the sick, people who are dangerous.
As I ponder these things, yesterday God added another layer. I may be contemplating the danger of crib suffocation, or loving people with difficult histories. But I am sure very few Northern IL students were pondering the dangers of attending geology class, yet that was the most dangerous day in there life. It often takes tragedy to teach the true meaning of protection. It is not in the caccoon that we can try to build around ourselves and our children's lives, but in the safety of our souls held securely in God's hands. For neither death nor life... nor anything else in creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord! {Romans 8:38,39}
Monday, February 4, 2008
A heart that knows Him...
A song popped into my head today, one I hadn't heard in a long time. The amazing thing is that it is the same song that became a lifeline for me, 6 years ago today.
Six years ago today I was awakened by a phone call from my dad in NY to tell me my nephew had been born in Georgia. My dad could barely hold in his proud delight. I got all the vital statistics, expressed my delight, hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and tried to hold back a torrent of tears.
You see, it should have been me. I was supposed to have the first grandchild. My 4th anniversary was just a few weeks away. My brother and his wife had only just past the 15 month mark. While they were celebrating the arrival of a baby they had not planned and weren't particularly prepared for, I was grieving the failure of my last cycle of infertility treatments. I wanted to be happy with them. But it was so hard when their joy just seemed to highlight my pain.
Lying on my bed I silently cried to God for help. Immediately the song came to me. I hadn't heard it in years:
It is a Twila Paris song I used to listen to a lot in college. And that day the words seemed to be written just for me. I dug out the tape, and played it in my car on the way to work. There were more words that touched my heart and gave me hope. "... it may be for my sake just to help me grow, maybe for your kingdom Lord, I don't need to know."
That day was a turning point. Oh I still stuggled, almost constantly for months and off and on for years. But I remembered those words and somehow it brought me great hope, that "I didn't need to know."
This morning, I was awakened by babygirl's laughter and chattering. As baby girl and I cozied in for her breakfast that song came to me again. It was then that I realized the date, and that I was in the very same place, lying on my bed. Only this time my dearest desire was in my arms. I had waited. I had followed love through the fire, I had reached the blessing on the other side. I still can't say that I know just why God took me through this trial, but it doesn't seem to matter right now. Right now life is filled with easy joy. Celebration is spontaneous.
But I know that as long as I remain in this world, someday there will be another fire. Another time when I will be called to celebrate through my own tears. I pray that experiencing this blessing on the other side will help me to persevere with more strength than I had before. And I am so thankful for the song that reminds me I don't need to know why, I just need to know Him.
{"A Heart That Knows You" is from the album by the same title, by Twila Paris, 1992.}
{Another note: I found out later on that Twila Paris had also experienced years of involuntary childlessness. Although the song does not speak directly about infertility, it was such a "God thing" to realize that this song really may have been written just for someone like me.}
Six years ago today I was awakened by a phone call from my dad in NY to tell me my nephew had been born in Georgia. My dad could barely hold in his proud delight. I got all the vital statistics, expressed my delight, hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and tried to hold back a torrent of tears.
You see, it should have been me. I was supposed to have the first grandchild. My 4th anniversary was just a few weeks away. My brother and his wife had only just past the 15 month mark. While they were celebrating the arrival of a baby they had not planned and weren't particularly prepared for, I was grieving the failure of my last cycle of infertility treatments. I wanted to be happy with them. But it was so hard when their joy just seemed to highlight my pain.
Lying on my bed I silently cried to God for help. Immediately the song came to me. I hadn't heard it in years:
...And a heart that knows You
is a heart that can wait
Die to the dearest desire
...And a heart that knows You
Is a heart that can still celebrate
Following love through the fire
It is a Twila Paris song I used to listen to a lot in college. And that day the words seemed to be written just for me. I dug out the tape, and played it in my car on the way to work. There were more words that touched my heart and gave me hope. "... it may be for my sake just to help me grow, maybe for your kingdom Lord, I don't need to know."
That day was a turning point. Oh I still stuggled, almost constantly for months and off and on for years. But I remembered those words and somehow it brought me great hope, that "I didn't need to know."
This morning, I was awakened by babygirl's laughter and chattering. As baby girl and I cozied in for her breakfast that song came to me again. It was then that I realized the date, and that I was in the very same place, lying on my bed. Only this time my dearest desire was in my arms. I had waited. I had followed love through the fire, I had reached the blessing on the other side. I still can't say that I know just why God took me through this trial, but it doesn't seem to matter right now. Right now life is filled with easy joy. Celebration is spontaneous.
But I know that as long as I remain in this world, someday there will be another fire. Another time when I will be called to celebrate through my own tears. I pray that experiencing this blessing on the other side will help me to persevere with more strength than I had before. And I am so thankful for the song that reminds me I don't need to know why, I just need to know Him.
{"A Heart That Knows You" is from the album by the same title, by Twila Paris, 1992.}
{Another note: I found out later on that Twila Paris had also experienced years of involuntary childlessness. Although the song does not speak directly about infertility, it was such a "God thing" to realize that this song really may have been written just for someone like me.}
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